LSOF: “The Essence of Grace”

LSOF:” The Essence of Grace”

Matthew 13:15

15For this people’s heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.'[a]

I have chosen not to participate in the Siesta bible study, instead I felt a pull to focus on,
“ When Godly People Do Ungodly Things.” By: Beth Moore

I would be lying to you if I didn’t say this has been a hard journey for me. Just tonight before turning on the dvd; I felt so much hesitation, I watched TV, random movies I’ve seen a thousand times; IM to some friends about absolutely nothing, played Kareoke on my cable tv….

Everything and anything to avoid the next session…5.

I had no idea what the session would be about, I haven’t yet gotten my workbook in the mail, so I have been watching the dvd.

It finally took me looking at the dvd player and hearing God speak to my heart…
“ Would you move on or stay stagnant, where you are?” for me to turn it on.

The last 3 sessions have been groundbreaking for this girl, it really got down to the nitty gritty of everything I have gone through, everything I have felt; since last summer.

The verse in Matthew 13:15 painted such a picture of what she was talking about; it is who we are in our sin, and we don’t even see it.

I’ll tell ya something though, even when you are healed, it isn’t when you are ready to minister, it really isn’t even when you are ready to deal with life again.

I have found myself after dealing with somethings for a long while, that I am forced to be alone,
Not alone like an island away, but alone, as far as taking myself to a different place when I am around other people.

I’m fragile.

This is my learning time. Now that I am back where I need to be.

I am learning what the “ Essence of grace” really means, because I am seeing first hand with every step I take in fullness of what it takes to get to the place I need to be with Him.

I wasn’t going to blog this, but I will. I think I am not alone here.

My blogging days started completely, last summer, I had just been let go from my job, and so I went to NJ to spend sometime with my grandmother. I also went to heal, and realize my grandfather was gone. I finally had to say my goodbyes.

I had some amazing time with God while I was there, I was reading the bible, praying, and just taking Him in.

When I returned school started awesome, ended up with straight A’s in the semester.

I started my Disciple class, I was involved with working with the Youth, and I was really respected.

This is why the study has hit me so hard, because it was like Beth was telling my life story, and she cried while telling hers…I cried with her.

What hit me most, but helped me see, was out of our own wounds we try to help other people, when really its like the blind leading the blind.

Relationships with people around me, were broken, they were toxic and unhealthy.
However, I thought I could deal just fine. I got sucked in.

I was real good at latching on to someonelse’s problem to make what I was feeling go away for awhile.

So about Decemeber of 2007, God took the mat from underneath of me. I was left with nothing.

See, what you have to understand is, God started sifting me last summer, but I didn’t know it.
He was trying to prepare me for the season I was about to crash into.

If you have followed this blog for awhile, you know what I’ve been through, so the recent details don’t really need to be added, but something interesting that a friend shared with me though, is I may think it is awesome that I can see out of it all now, but that God wasn’t done, and how awesome it will be to look back on all this a year from now.

Comfort zones, are battle zones. That is the picture God placed in my head about them.
We stay still, we will get hit hard, its best to keep moving with Him, not ahead, and not behind, but with Him.

Right now, where I am; I deleted all but 25 people I know from myspace; other than contact reasons, I don’t have business knowing the world.

I have broken away from friendships with people that keep me in that comfort zone, and even my relationship, I have made it about me and God and no onelse.

It’s like I say to myself, “ If I am gonna survive this thing, I need Him alone.”

Rejection is big right now for me; because God is transitioning me so much right now, that I am not really sure where to step next, its all new to me.

But all those months of torture from the enemy was enough for me.

I actually do everything now by taking a deep breath first.

I used to always do that before I substituted a class; I would walk in take a slow deep breath and talk.

I was well respected by those kids, I never had a problem with discipline, so perhaps this was a lesson I should have learned about my own life awhile back. Who knows.

But I can tell you without Grace, I would not be writing this, I was far gone, it was like seeing like through a sheet of rain; I saw what I wanted to, without knowing for sure. I went with it.

If anyone would be interested in doing the study together with me, well, from blogworld anyway, if maybe you have felt you have gone through the roughpatch for awhile now,
Then please definitely by all means, we can email back and forth, and just take it in together.

And for my siestas going to TX; I hope you have a blast. I know you will, God blessed me with being able to go to Jax LPL. So I know what you are in for;) It will be amazing.

For all my original siestas who have gone through all this stuff with me, I am forever greatful for your thoughts and prayers, its been a rough road.

This is a song God spoke to my heart years back, but even now, stands true.

It’s Not Over Yet

Let there be no more talk of death
But more of life
But I want you to know
Its not over yet

There are more roads to travel
More rocks to step on
More times to fall
More time in the roasting sun

Through your prayers
Remember your tears
And all the times that you stumbled
For so many years
But I do hope that you could feel
That I was always there
That I am always near

You are my child
I love you through every flaw
Think not of the past
Just how you overcame it all

You see death is just a shadow of satan
That likes to lurk behind you
But life is the light of Jesus
That breaks the things that bind you

Through your prayers
Remember your tears
And all the times that you’ve stumbled
For so many years
But I do hope that you could feel
That I was always there
That I was always near.

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