LSOF: The cutting edge: Part 1(continued)
****THIS IS A STICKY POST***********
I wanted to put a “ stop” here in the story of Joseph for a moment, because I need to state the point of the message.
My testimony comes into play.
If you have been reading this blog a long time, you would know about my cutting addiction, that I have suffered with off and on since I was 17 yrs old.
I am going to try to emphasize this point as much as possible, so please hear me, and bare with me.
It was obvious in the story of Joseph that he was quite different from his brothers.
I have always felt that way when it came to my own family, and even more so, I may not have been thrown into a pit, but I was definitely pushed aside when it came to speaking what I believed.
This caused much grievance in me, because I wanted my family to love me for me, and see me the way that God did.
The hard lesson to take in, was they could never see me and love me in the same way God does, because they don’t love me with a spiritual love, but a worldly love, full of conditions and all kinds of “ up to par” expectations.
This constant struggle to keep up with who they wanted me to be, it made me crazy.
I remember the first time I cut my skin.
What happened was I had this strange feeling that if I hurt myself, that it would keep the pain that they made me feel, minimal.
It worked. So I continued to do it, whenever I felt like anyone didn’t accept something about me, or like something that I had done, whenever I was shot down to this short level, whenever the ax took my dignity…whenever I felt like I was on edge, and had the choice to jump, or stay there…
My cutting gave me control of how I could react to things happening in my life. Just as a bottle of wine, or some other kind of addiction.
But the point I want to make is, my cutting gave me control…not God. I showed by cutting my skin that I didn’t trust Him enough to handle whatever ailed me. I’ll be honest with you, I have had moments even up to recently that brought me to the same way of thinking.
Its like a bluntly say to God, “ I can handle this better than you.”
So what happened was He said, “ Okay.” And my addiction became a severe stronghold.
It wasn’t something I was just doing that made me feel better, it was something that became my lifestyle.
I am sure someone can relate to this on some level, this is just my story.
But something we need to realize; things we call “ bad” to do, are not the only things that can eventually become a stronghold.
I actually realized in giving up my Beth Moore books, that I was releasing myself of a spiritual stronghold.
I love the Word, I really do, and Beth taught me a great deal of it, but just like those who went to the Promised Land…they had to let go in order to get there.
Not letting go, would only lead them back to the past, to die.
It wasn’t just Beth Moore though, it was my Pastor, his wife, my church, my friend from the radio, Christian artists, friends in the faith…etc.
Because what I have recently realized on my own; I never thought I was going to get to God any other way, but how these people, and things taught me.
Jesus is the only way, I got that, I know that, that’s not what I mean…
I mean when I would pray to God, I would sit there first and literally wonder if I was saying too much, if I wasn’t being specific enough, if I wasn’t doing it the right way…this sounds crazy, but I am serious.
Even reading the bible…
I learned how to begin, but even when I got started and knew what I was doing, after I was sure that I had some knowledge, I kept on not allowing myself to go that extra distance with God.
I kept the Godly counsel, “ Shoulds and Should nots” and that is great, Godly counsel is great, but to an extent, there is a time where it is sometimes only God that will speak. And we have to be patient.
“ No one comes to the Father except through me.” Jesus says in John I believe…and here is how I always have done it…
I would see it as me, then that next person, then Jesus…
Can you relate to this, do you feel like in your life you have been good enough to go right to Jesus, or have you kneeled hesitating what to say?
Have you been reading His word and said to yourself, “ Is this the way I should be reading this?”
Have you taken Godly counsel as stone?
Well, this seems to be crying out from my heart today…we are at my cutting edge my friends,
God is calling us to go DEEPER with Him, and we have to LET GO AND LET GOD do His job in us.
He can’t do that when we are so preoccupied with how we are living our faith, that we forget to live it out.
I’ll have more on the story of Joseph in the next part, I just felt that this was a strong point that had to be made.
Let me know if you got it, and if you didn’t let me know tooJ